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THE MORMON CURTAIN
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2008 Exmormon Foundation Conference Oct. 17 - 19, 2008
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The time is flying! And time to remind everyone again about the Exmormon Foundation coming up October
17-19, 2008.
Please join us for our annual weekend of education, enlightenment, personal stories, and mingling with a group of interesting and brave people who are exploring life after Mormonism.
Embassy Suites Hotel, Salt Lake City, UT Click here for details: http://www.exmormonfoundation.org/200....
Amazing line up of activities and speakers for 2008, including Steven Hassan - mental health counselor and expert on cults!
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| The Book Of Cheese Plate.
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| 1 And it came
to pass that I was swept away by an Angel. And the angel said unto me...
LOOK! And I beheld a great plate of cheese... And the angel said unto me
again... LOOK! And I beheld that there were refried beans under the cheese...
And said I unto the angel, what meaneth these things?
2 And the angel
said unto me...Behold, do not marvel that there are refried beans under
the cheese, for they belongeth there, to delighteth the tongue, and increaseth
the taste thereof; therefore take thee thy pleasure in thy beans and cheese,
for as thou beholdeth them and tasteth them thou canst know for a surety
that they are good.
3 Therefore,
I ate thereof the plate of cheese and beans, and it was good. And I did
wander off to go about my ways, but felt therein a feeling in my bowels.
4 And I came
forth back unto the place where the Angel was and said... Mine bowls are
full of cheese and beans, and I doth stinketh. Lo, I stinketh so much mine
sheep doth run from me, therefore, I am troubled.
5 And the angel
spake again to me and said, Didst not thou knowest that thy bowels must
be full of mercy for thy fellow man and not of beans and cheese? Therefore
go thy way, and purge thy bowels of this that stinketh, lest ye be cursed
with sore afflictions. Go near no man, for if thou go nearest a man, thou
will be cast out from his presence. Also go not near thy wife, until the
time cometh when the stink shall pass, and thou shall be again esteemed
highly of thy wife.
6 And it came
to pass that I did not heed the Angel. Therefore I went unto my wife and
did wave the covers upon her and she was wroth. And then in the village
did I stand too near the fire and lo, mine stink did flame, and the flame
arose with a great blue light, and mine hair was burned. And thus I was
sorely afflicted because I did not heed the words of the Angel. Therefore
again I came unto the place where the Angel first spoke to me and I was
troubled. And I began to murmur against the plate of cheese and the refried
beans therein.
7 And it came
to pass that I did stand upon the place where the Angel first showed the
plate of cheese unto me for the space of two days. And after two days I
did not hear again from the angel. Therefore, I sat down and waited for
the Angel to again appear. And I did offer burnt offerings of blue flame,
and did murmer and mumble and twiddle mine hair.
8 And it came
to pass that for the space of three days did I wait for the angel to appear
again. And lo, no angel did appear unto me. And mine fingers were sorely
afflicted from the twiddeling of mine hair therein. Therefore I did gird
up mine loins and I did go unto the Burger King and did no longer think
of cheese and beans. And mine heart was saddened for the passing of wind
was pleasurable. Therefore I did eat of burger and bun and thought no more
of the angel and his plate of cheese and beans.
9 And again,
a week did pass, and the memory of the cheese plate did linger with me.
And on that thursday, I beheld the Angel of light again, and he didst comfort
me. And I saw before me the plate of beans and cheese again, and the angel
said 'eat.' But I said unto the angel 'Not so, for if I eat, I shall stinketh.'
10 And the
angel said unto me again, 'Eat. For as thou eatest, it shall be pleasant
to thy taste. But in thy belly, it shall turn bitter.' And I headed the
Angel, and I did eat. And It was sweet and pleasant in my mouth, but in
my belly, it was bitter.
11 And as I
sat upon my chair, a rumbling exclaimed forth from my belly. And I didst
run with all my might, that I might relieve myself of the bitterness in
my stomach. And I sayeth unto myself 'Woe is me. For as I eateth the beans
and the cheese, and as it was pleasant to the taste, now it is bitter in
my belly and must pass through the drough.'
12 And I resolved,
from that time forth, to visit Burger King on Thursday and leave the evil
of the cheese plate. |
| From The Spoof:
Fox hope to appeal to members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) when they air a
controversial new show in Utah this Fall. 12 male contestants aged between 40 and 72 will compete to take 16-year-old twins, Elsa
and Elisabeth as their wives.
Although polygamy is widely condemned by today's Mormon religion, some Latter Day Saints feel that Gods revelation to Joseph
Smith in this regard should still be followed. God informed Joseph that marrying multiple wives was a requirement to enter the
kingdom of heaven*.
This contentious issue became central to LDS alienation from mainstream America, and in the 1890s, God conveniently informed
Joseph Smith's successor that this revelation was no longer relevant*.
Unfortunately, God has subsequently revealed to several people that this reversal is an abomination*. These chosen few have
demanded a following and their FLDS congregations cling strictly to the original beliefs of the Mormon faith. Most live in
isolated regions of Arizona and Utah and try as best they can to live their lives in peace.
They preach that men should supplement their partners with additional fresh and young wives - at least 7 if they really want to
go to heaven. As this is an instruction directly from God, many men humbly and selflessly comply.
Needless to say, a religion that preaches that men must take young girls as wives and bed them (because God says so) certainly
develops a following. These holy men are able to see through the mystery that is the Lords wishes, and in faith shag a bevy of
teenagers.
It's on this foundation that the new reality series is built. Fox have high hopes for the show and believe that success will fuel
interest in their follow up - a real courtroom drama. While the theme is a closely guarded secret, the title is rumored to be
"Who Wants to Represent a Pedophile Accused of Statutory Rape"
* God is currently unavailable for comment and these revelations can neither be denied nor confirmed.
http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s4i5720
| From Landover Baptist Church:
Greetings, and thank you all for having me here. As I am wont to do, I begin each of my testimonies with a brief public prayer.
So I ask now for every head to be bowed, and every eye to be closed, thank you.
Heavenly Father, thank you for delivering me from the cult of Mormonism, America's favorite religious fantasy role-playing game
that doesn't involve a genuine invisible god.
Thank you for the Holy Spirit, who came to strip me of my sinful undergarments, and expose me, thereby returning me to the Garden
from which Adam was banished by a cranky Lord.
Speak through my anointed lips so those listening here today shall also be returned to a state of grace, unadorned by the apparel
of the shamed.
Kindle within their hearts, through your humble servant, Zechariah Hosea, a call to harness the furious fires of your Holy wrath
sevenfold! And set free my brothers and sisters still trapped within the secret world of Mormon fetishisms. Praise be, and A-men.
Friends, I took off my magic, low-rise Y-front occult Mormon underwear ten years ago, and haven't looked back since. I'm going to
pass my old skivvies around the church now, (Zechariah steps down from the pulpit) here you go, ma'am, you inspect that carefully
and pass it on to the lovely young lady on your right there, and so-on. I want everyone to take a long careful look at my old
underwear. Don't be afraid little lady; it's not going to bite you in the nose! That's right, I want you to smell it, touch it,
and rub it against your skin to show Satan that this little piece of 48-inch-waist poly-cotton fabric has no power over you!
That's it... good.
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0704/mormonunderwear.html
| From The Spoof:
SALT LAKE CITY (SP)--Ken Jennings' reign as trivia king continued on Tuesday when he won for the 30th straight time on the
popular game show Jeopardy. To date, the 30-yr old Utah software engineer has amassed over $1 million dollars in winnings.
Despite allegations that the television show is rigged, Jennings continues day by day to demolish each opponent with a nerdy
charm and a quick trigger finger.
But Jennings, a Mormon, may have some rocky times ahead when his Hollywood gig ends. According to a source within the Mormon
church, a team of investigators have started looking into the life of this bright young husband and father of one.
Jennings has recently appeared on NBC's The Tonight Show, KLTD's Betty Makes Pottery and the syndicated talk show Big Ed's
Jamboree. Liberal media outlets are heralding this national exposure for Jennings and are assuming that the Mormon church is
giddy about all the attention.
Ted Growback, spokesman for the Liberal Media Elite said, "This is way cool for the Mormons. We have decided and decreed that
they are loving all the attention, and we have anointed Ken Jennings, Mr. Mormon."
Continue Reading http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i5738
| From Latter-Day Lampoon:
Elder Richard G. Scott of the First Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was seen by
several citizens at the Bikini Cuts Salon in Sandy, Utah. News sources indicate he received a hair cut.
Bethany Prince, president, owner and hair stylist at Bikini Cuts, confirms the report and stated that he entered the salon "in
disguise," apparently not wanting to be recognized. "He wore an overcoat and a hat which I thought was very unusual since it was
at least ninety degrees outside," said Prince an exclusive interview. "Once inside, he removed his coat and hat and sat in my
chair."
Prince talked to Elder Scott and noticed he tried to also disguise his voice. "Imagine his regular slow and monotone voice but
add to that a German accent. That's what it sounded like," said Prince. According to Prince he said,
"Yaw,...za...trim...of...za...hair...vould...be...goot." Although Elder Scott wanted a trim, he appeared preoccupied with the
workers and the facilities. "He kept looking around and I had to keep slapping him and telling him not to move his head," said
Prince. "I was very irritated."
Continue Reading Story.
| APR - Salt Lake City, January 14, 2005:
The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made the following announcement:
"As the work of the Lord progresses it must take into account the state of the world in which it rolls forth. The images and metaphors of one generation have a different meaning and nuance when observed by another. Although the Endowment itself does not change the form of the endowment ceremony may be translated not only to different languages but adjusted to different and differing cultural enviornments.
"Therefore after prayerful consideration the Brethren have re-fitted the Endowment Ceremony as a Rock Opera. Temple patrons may be assured that the sanctity of the Temple will not be violated. All electric guitars and amplifiers will be purest white and the volume will never rise above 5 on the dial.
"We hope that these adjustments will enable the rising generation of Latter-day Saints to more fully appreciate the temple and the spirit that should accompany temple worship. To all who have let their temple attendance lapse we invite you to return to the temple.
"We will, we will endow you!"
[signed]
Gordon B. Hinckley
Thomas S. Monson
James E. Faust
| Here are some Mormon Cliches that just make you want to gag.
- You must have milk before you can have meat.
- When the prophet speaks, the thinking's been done.
- Gird up your loins. (sounds reaaalllyyy painful, btw).
- She's such a special spirit.
- I feel very humbled to be asked to speak to you today.
- Please bless those who couldn't come this week that they may come next week.
- God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
- Every member, a missionary.
- Lock your heart.
- She's in a better place now.
- Let me introduce the newest member of our ward.
- Yes, we've been blessed.
- Brothers and sisters
- In these latter-days
- We can't live on borrowed light
- Nourish and strengthen our bodies
- A burning in my bosom <- This has to be the all time most annoying and stupid Mormon saying there is! Ugggh! Yuck! Eeeek!
- Every fiber of my being.
- Go the extra mile.
- Put your shoulder to the wheel.
- He's a really good person. Not a member, but still a good person
- The gospel is perfect...the saints aren't.
- "....in the name of Thy son, EVEN jesus christ"
| Draper, UTState Prison officials have confirmed widespread rumors that convicted forger and murderer Mark Hoffman is scheduled for immediate release from the state prison after documents mailed anonymously to the Prison Wardens office have thrown new light on his case. Bearing the signature of the Prophet Joseph Smith himself as well as many other early Mormon Church leaders and American founding fathers, and written in ink that appears to be the kind the signers would have used, these letters proclaim Hoffmans complete innocence of all the crimes with which he was charged. As if to add emphasis, under what appears to be the signature of President George Washington a note is scrawled: I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my good friend Mark would never do such a thing. For more information please contact me at gw1stprez@hotmail.com.
When asked whether the documents had been verified as authentic, Prison Warden LeRoy J. Shumway responded that while he had not sent the letters to an independent forensic laboratory for examination since no such fancy-pants facility exists within the State of Utah, he had shown the entire collection to LDS Church leader President Gordon B. Hinckley, who vouched for their authenticity and paid an undisclosed sum of money to take possession of the letters. They are now being held for safekeeping in the Churchs vault.
In a press release posted yesterday on the Churchs official website www.lds.org, President Hinckley announced that the documents certainly looked and smelled old enough and that he had seen those signatures somewhere before. Adding that since the founding fathers were called of God to establish a country dedicated to justice for all, and that they had all been baptized posthumously in the St. George temple and were now members of the LDS Church, he felt comfortable accepting their declarations at face value. He also assured church members that no tithing funds were used for the purchase of the letters.
While moving Hofmann from his cell into a temporary processing facility, prison guards discovered a small homemade chemical lab, a toaster oven, and several sheets of old paper that had apparently been ripped out of the backs of the prison librarys older books. When confronted with the discovery Warden Shumway stated that although during his tenure he has certainly tried to encourage prisoners to develop and pursue their hobbies, and while he supports Hoffmans healthy interest in chemistry and reading of classic literature, he simply cannot allow state property to be damaged without holding the offender responsible. The warden has stated that as much as two dollars will be deducted from Hoffmans prison earnings as a janitor to pay for the senseless damage.
| Doctrine & Covenants 28: 13 implies that revelations must be accepted by a Church vote prior to canonization: "For all things must be done in order, and by common consent in the church by the prayer of faith."
This has been verified by at least two Church Presidents during sworn testimony. The first one comes from Wilford Woodruff who declared in 1892, while giving a legal deposition before the Western District of the Missouri U.S. Circuit Court:
"The church has a right to reject or approve of revelations and any man independent of the action of the church has a right to accept it or reject it as he sees fit and the church has a right to say whether they will accept it or reject it as a revelation, and before a revelation can be accepted by the church, as a law, it must in some form or other be presented to the church and accepted by the church, and that has been true since the time I first became connected with the church."
12 years later, President Joseph F. Smith stated similarly in his 1904 sworn testimony before the Senate committee investigating the seating of Reed Smoot:
"I will say this, Mr. Chairman, that no revelation given through the head of the church ever becomes binding and authoritative upon the members of the church until it has been presented to the church and accepted by them."
Questioned whether "the church in conference may say to you, Joseph F. Smith, the first president [sic] of the church, 'We deny that God has told you to tell us this?,'"
President Smith replied: "They can say that if they choose.... And it is not binding upon them as members of the church until they accept it."
So, I got to thinking......
What if Moses were a Mormon?
Think about it. What if Moses came down from Mount Sinai and sought approval from the Israelites for the Ten Commandments that God had given them? I took the liberty of answering that question with the following story. So, without further adieu, I present:
What if Moses were a Mormon?
Moses, tired from his trek down from the top of Mount Sinai takes a quick swig from his water bottle and kicks the dust from his sandals and clears his throat.
"Ahem....people, please be seated and settle down so we can get started.
We're all tired and this shouldn't take but a few minutes. We have just a few items of Ward business and then we can all go home. First of all, Homemaking has been changed from this Tuesday night to Wednesday at 7:30. It is still in the cultural hall and it will be held immediately following the Basketball game between the Red Sea Third and Fourth Wards.
My wife Zipporah will be teaching the sisters how to make cute little collectible fire starting kits she calls "Zippo's". She wants me to remind the ladies to bring two sticks and about one foot of colorful ribbon if they wish to participate.
"OK, now we have a few things the Lord wanted me to talk to you about.
These don't come by way of commandment but rather as a word of wisdom unless you should choose to sustain them unanimously as 'official' commandments.
"First of all, he wanted me to remind you that he is your Lord and God and it was him that brought you out of Egypt. I have just ten things here that I need to present for a sustaining vote. There was eleven of them but I sort of put two of them together and made it an even ten. I'm sure the Lord won't mind.
"Number one: "Thou shalt have no other gods besides Me." Well, now, that seems pretty simple. All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign.
Excellent, we should be able to.....Uh, Brother Smith? Did you have a question? You what?!? Well, I believe that he has ALWAYS existed. Noooo, I don't think that he had a Father and a Grandfather. Well, I guess that TECHNICALLY that wouldn't make a God "beside" him but rather BEFORE him but the key word here is not "beside" but "BESIDES". It means "in addition to" Joseph so, yes, if we were to believe that we will ALL become Gods or that God had a Father before him that would be in violation of this particular Article of Faith. Are you serious? Ok, we'll come back to that one later.
"Number two: "Thou shalt not make for yourself an idol" All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. OK, number thr.....Brother Moroni? Are you stretching or was that a vote of opposition? Are you kidding me? Well, my notes here say no idols in the shape of "any thing" for the purpose of bowing down to them. It doesn't TECHNICALLY say "fictional people" but I think that would still be included under the "any thing" clause......Well, I guess it would be OK if people didn't actually worship or bow down to your graven image but I wouldn't push my luck if I were you. Let's come back to that one.
"Number three: "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain." All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. *SIGH* Brother Hinckley, do you have a problem with this one? My personal opinion? Yes, I think it would be in violation of this one if we taught that God was once a man and has not always been God. Well because it's blasphemy! The scriptures are crystal clear on this one Gordon, God has ALWAYS been God. I know the quote Gordon but I don't know that we teach it. I don't know that we emphasize it. I haven't heard it discussed for a long time in public discourse. I don't know. I don't know all the circumstances under which that statement was made. I understand the philosophical background behind it. But I don't know a lot about it and I don't know that others know a lot about it. *SIGH*
Fine, we'll form a committee and discuss this one. Let's move on.
"Number four: "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy." All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. Brother Dunn, are you against keeping the sabbath holy? Oh, well it HAS been a while since we've heard your story about the time you single handedly evaded a whole division of Egyptian soldiers while running uphill in a sand storm to make it to worship services that were being held in the orphanage that you built from scratch using nothing but the discarded remains of the ten thousand baseball bats you shattered while hitting home runs in the major leagues, but why don't you save that story for the "linger longer" being held in the cultural hall after this meeting? If there is no opposition to this one let's move on......
"Number five: "Honor your father and your mother." All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. What the....? Brother Benson, how could you have a problem with honoring YOUR Mother and Father? Your folks were the salt of the earth so I don't understand what the problem could.......well, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding Ezra. I'm sure your parents are not Communists simply because they aren't members of the Levitical Birch Society.
Well, asking them to join during tithing settlement was probably inappropriate in the first place so I can't blame them for storming out of your tent. Fine, fine....let's come back to that one too.
"Number six: Now I KNOW that this one should easily pass. "Thou shalt not murder." All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. DARN IT ALL BROTHER YOUNG, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY OPPOSE A LAW AGAINST MURDER?!?!? Brigham, I know for a fact that LaVerkin is your Home Teacher so I seriously doubt if he was flirting with your 17th wife at the cannery last Thursday so put your doggone javeline away. Well, then put it through her heart in your own tent, not mine. I just had the dirt cleaned from that stunt you pulled last week with the mixed race couple. Fine, we'll ask the Lord for an addendum on this one to allow the murder of adulterers and racially mixed couples. Moving on......What? Brother Young, you CAN'T be serious. Fine, I'll ask if we can kill apostates too. AND any non-believers passsing through the promised land Brigham, but we'll need some wiggle room on THAT one. I'll ask Brother Lee from the Mountain Meadows Ward to draw up some sketches and see what he can come up with.
"Number seven: "Thou shalt not commit adultery." All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. Brigham we've moved on so let's just talk about it later. WHAT??? You're against this one too? Yes, I'd have to say if you marry a woman who is already happily married it DOES count as adultery. Joseph Smith put your hand down! You can't "second the motion", it doesn't work that way. I know I told you two days ago to refrain from having sex until told otherwise (Ex. 19:15) and I appreciate your patience and understanding but the fact that you are "horny" is irrelevant. Yes Brigham, I am quite certain the Lord won't let us do a line item veto and remove just "one little word" from this one. *SIGH* Fine, we'll just toss this one out altogether but I'll tell you right now we won't get away with it forever. Not if we want Statehood in the promised land.
"Number eight: "Thou shalt not steal." All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. Brother Spaulding? You have an issue with this? Then what's the problem? Who stole your manuscript? Joseph, what do you have to say about this? Well, frankly I'd like to resolve Brother Spauldings concern before I just let you vote against this one and move on. Fine. I don't even care at this point. Let's move on......
"Number nine: "Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor." All those in favor please indicate by the raising of the right hand. Any opposed please indicate by the same sign. WHY ME???? Does anyone BESIDES Joseph Smith oppose this one? Well, CAN you find buried treasure with a peep stone Joseph? Then you can't call Brother Stowell's family a bunch of liars. Well, DO YOU change your story more often than you change your underwear? Then you can't call the Tanners liars either. No, we're moving on Joseph. Brother Arrington, surely YOU don't oppose this one. I understand, they DO sign your paychecks. I don't want you to be excommunicated. OK, can we pass this one if the Lord allows us to just bear false witness against enemies of the truth.....uh, I mean the Church? OK, I think that's two out of nine. That's not so bad. Let's finish this off with a bang shall we?
"Finally, number ten: "Thou shalt not covet." All those in favor please indicate by the.....OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD JOSEPH SMITH, I HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED FOR AFFIRMATIVE VOTES YET. What do you mean 'What if she's my foster daughter?' You are just SICK. Isn't she 16 years old? AND HER 14 YEAR OLD SISTER TOO?!?!? That's it. I give up! If sickness was an Olympic event you people would take the Gold. What do you want now Brother Hinckley? What do you mean "If I give your kids tuition could I MAKE it an Olympic event" and why do you use little air quotes with your hands when you say 'tuition'?"
After an hour long debate with Bruce R. McKonkie and Dallin H. Oaks on exactly what the meaning of "not" was, Moses got two of the Ten Commandments passed and accepted as "official" revelations and doctrines of the Lord's Church. Moses was later excommunicated for "evil speaking of the Lord's annointed" when he spoke out against his Stake Presidents latest pyramid scheme. He was last seen working for Feature Films for Familes at a kiosk in a Babylonian bazarr.
| A few years ago 3 men were serving in Iraq when they decided to come up with a list of things that any church must have for it to be true. They came up with these 17 points:
The true church must practice polygamy. (D&C 132)
The true church must NOT practice polygamy (D&C Official Declaration 1)
The True church must believe that God lives on a planet that orbits the star Kolob (Abraham 3)
The true church must teach the secret handshakes required to get into heaven (Mormon Temple Ceremony)
The true church must have leaders who are progressive enough to ask god if blacks can have the priesthood. (D&C Official Declaration 2)
The true church must make its members wear special undergarments 24/7. (Temple Ceremony)
The true church must have prophets that preach bizarre personal opinions from the pulpit sometimes, but those teachings can be ignored. (FAIR message boards)
The true church must not have any official doctrine. (FAIR Message boards)
The true church must believe that the original christian church apostatized when the leaders started changing sacred doctrines and ordinances. (Joseph Smith history)
The true church must have leaders with the authority to change sacred doctrines and ordinances through continuing revelation (D&C OD1, D&C OD2, temple changes, etc.)
The true church must believe in the Three Nephites. (The Book of Mormon)
The true church must be the one and only true church, and the only church that is not an abomination to god. (D&C 1)
The true church must believe in three kingdoms of heaven (D&C)
The true church must believe that as man is god once was, and as god is, man may become. (King Follet discourse, Temple Ceremony)
The true church must also not really teach that god was once a man (Gordon B. Hinckley)
The true church must not allow women to have any priesthood leadership positions (?????)
The true church must teach that Jesus never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it (????)
After they finished their time in Iraq, they each went their seperate ways. Yesterday they all got in touch at a Army reunion and it turns out they all joined the same church, the one church that met all 17 requirements. That church was the LDS church.
| In the late 60's, Glen Larson pitched a TV show called Adam's Ark around the same time that Star Trek was ending. In it, Larson wanted to take biblical themes and set them out in space. While no one was interested in that particular project, Larson was a successful creator, writer or producer on such TV shows as It Takes a Thief, McCloud, The Six Million Dollar Man, Quincy, The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries, B.J. and the Bear, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Magnum PI, The Fall Guy, Knight Rider and Manimal.
Star Wars exploded into the world in 1977 and as everyone and his brother tried to capitalize on it's success, something like Larson's old pitch suddenly seemed like a great idea. ABC originally planned to have Battlestar Galactica as a series of two-hour movies, following a big, three-hour premiere, but they were impressed enough to order it up as a weekly hour-long series. It premiered on ABC in September of 1978, after being seen as a theatrical release in Canada and Europe in July of that year. The show was cancelled after just 24 episodes in April of '79. Due to fan pressure, it was revived as Galactica 1980 (in 1980...duh), but this only lasted for 10 episodes.
The opening prologue reads, "There are those who believe that life here began out there, far across the universe, with tribes of human who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, or the Toltecs, or the Mayans. They may have been the architects of the great pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis. Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive far, far away, amongst the stars."
Glen Larson (creator and producer of Galactica) is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and many parallels between his church's and the show's mythologies can be found.
The main characters in Galactica are the last remnants of the Twelve Colonies, which were founded by twelve tribes of humans who left their home planet of Kobol, which had become inhabitable because of either natural or man-made contamination. There was a "lost thirteenth tribe" who went a different direction than the rest and, as the story goes, ended up colonizing Earth. Commander Adama once delivered the following speech about their origins: "Our recorded history tells us we descended from a mother colony, a race that went out into space to establish colonies. Those of us assembled here now represent the only known surviving Colonists, save one. A sister world, far out in the universe, remembered to us only through ancient writings..." He goes on to assert that the "lost thirteenth tribe" colonized Earth. Something called "The Book of The Word" described the journey of the tribes of man away from Kobol.
In the Mormon church, The Book of Mormon describes the journey of a "thirteenth tribe" There were twelve tribes of Israel and the prophet Lehi took a remnant of the tribe of Joseph (creating a "lost thirteenth tribe") and somehow travelled from the middle east to North America around 600 BC. They ended up splitting into two tribes, one of whom flourished and according to the book are the descendants of the American Indians. Additionally, the name Kobol is made up of the rearranged letters making up the word Kolob, which is the star "nearest unto the throne of God," or the name of the planet where the Mormons' god, Elohim, is from.
In the TV show, the planet Kobol itself was considered destroyed or just a legend until it was found in the episode, "Lost Planet of the Gods." Adama thought there was a secret passage to Earth in the tomb of the Ninth Lord in the lost city of Eden on Kobol. He identified the tomb by the Ninth Lord's seal.
In the episode "War of the Gods," there is a "Ship of Lights" commanded by mysterious beings. In one scene, Starbuck asks the them if they are angels. The "entity" responds with, "Oddly enough, there is some truth to your speculation." When he inquires, "But why are you bothering with us? We are from a simple handful of human survivors," Starbuck is told: "Because, as you are now, we once were. As we are now, you may become."
This is interesting because the fifth LDS President Lorenzo Snow coined the expression, "As man is God once was, as God is, man may be" as stated in the Articles of Faith (pg. 430). The LDS believes that God was once a man on another planet (sometimes referred to as Kolob) who followed the Mormon teachings, died, rose to the third level of heaven and eventually became a God, just as they teach that if you follow the Mormon teachings here on Earth you may eventually become the God of your own world after death.
Commander Adama notes, "The ancient ones, the Lords who first settled our Kobol, spoke of visitations from what they in their primitive way referred to as angels. Think of them as custodians of the universe, advanced beings, very highly advanced, whose mandate it is to make certain that their powers are never abused by any one of their own."
While the Book of Mormon may teach that there is only one true God (Alma 11:26-29), other Mormon documents say that there are many Gods (Mormon Doctrine, page 163), in fact the Journal of Discourses (vol 6, pg. 5) states that "In the beginning, the head of the Gods called a council of the Gods; and they came together and concocted a plan to create the world and the people." Battlestar Galactica's "custodians of the universe" may allude to this council of Gods. It may be worth noting here that the majority of Mormon beliefs, church practices and ceremonies are not described in The Book of Mormon. If you happen to be given The Book of Mormon by an LDS member friend or by one of their door-to-door missionaries, you won't find much about some of this stuff and certainly nothing about their various temple ceremonies and beliefs.
In the "War of the Gods" episode, there is a character named Count Iblis, who is basically Satan for the show's purposes, whom the "entities" seem to be after. They note that, "He now uses his powers to corrupt and lead others away from the truth." Apollo figures out the Count's true identity, by thinking "back to the original records. The names Mephistopheles, Diabolis, the Prince of Darkness." According to the original script of the episode, "War of the Gods," Apollo and Starbuck enter a wreckage thought to have been Count Iblis' comrades' ship. There they discover a glove that seems to have been made for a cloven hoof. They lift up a metal panel and discover a devil or demon-like figure. The networks dropped the scene for fear it would be too scary for kids and for the "satanic" overtones.
In the LDS, God has a wife with whom he has children. These "spirit" children are eventually reborn on earth, where their "pre-existence" is "veiled" from them until they die and return to Heaven, at which time they remember their previous life in heaven. Satan is one of God's spirit children, birthed by God's wife in the Celestial Kingdom of Heaven. He is a spirit brother to Jesus. According to Mormon Doctrine, both Jesus and Satan offered plans for mankind's salvation to God, with Jesus' plan being accepted. Satan's plan sought to "deny men their agency," that is, their freedom of choice, something very important in Mormon theology.
In Battlestar Galactica, when the Entities are asked why they cannot stop Count Iblis, they reply, "Because we cannot interfere with freedom of choice. His, yours, anyone's."
Commander Adama performs a "sealing ceremony" between Apollo and Serina, saying, "A union between this man and this woman not only for now but for all the eternities." In the LDS, when couples have a temple wedding, they are sealed for "time and all eternity."
A Galactica 1980 episode contains the phrase "The glory of the universe is intelligence," very similar to a passage in the LDS Doctrines and Covenants #93: "The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth."
In both Battlestar Galactica and the LDS, the political structure consists of a Council (or Quorum) of the Twelve, and a President.
What's the point of all this? I guess this just seems interesting to me because the majority of the horror and science-fiction projects that mix in any sort of religion usually use Christian, or often Roman Catholic theology (The Day The Earth Stood Still, Star Trek V, the Exorcist, the Omen series, The Seventh Sign, etc.). Other than a recent film called Plan 10 From Outer Space (which I've only read about), I don't know of any other genre feature using Mormon doctrine as a major component to it's mythology.
| At last, an accessible guide that demystifies the Mormon religion
The LDS church, formally known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or LDS, has 5.2 million members in the U.S. and adds about 300,000 converts every year. This eye-opening book takes the mystery out of Mormonism, describing the beliefs and rituals that set the LDS apart from other Christian denominations as well as its views on women, race, homosexuality, and polygamy.
Jana Riess, PhD (Winchester, KY), a Mormon convert, is the religion book review editor at Publishers Weekly. Christopher Bigelow (Provo, UT), a sixth-generation Mormon, wrote for the official LDS monthly magazine.
Amazon.COM Link For Book.
| THE GREAT MORMON MONEY MACHINE:
It's the World's Perfect Business Scheme and you can do it too. Just start your own "Afterlife Insurance Company" then make the greatest promise humanly imaginable -- promise your clients that if they totally obey you and pay their premiums, after death they'll become Gods! In fact, polygamous Gods who'll have eternal sex with innumerable partners! Until then, they'll enjoy moral supremacy over all humanity. You do need to claim that you're a prophet of God however, but this is the easiest claim on earth to make and no one can prove you're lying.
HERE'S YOUR BIG PAYOFF:
Using the power of your "Afterlife Insurance Company":
- You demand a whopping ten percent of each client's income for their policy premiums and...
- You publicly humiliate anyone who questions you or fails to pay. This power is so great that...
- You can even ban clients from attending things like family weddings! And yet, the absurd irony is...
- You don't have to prove to anyone that your Afterlife Insurance Company actually works, so...
- You are worry free because, in this business, all your disillusioned customers are dead. Therefore...
- You never pay off a single claim (although you literally promised the Universe). Then, incredibly...
- You reverse the Burden of Proof--If others don't magically know you're right--they're wrong! Now...
- You destroy rational thought with the delusion that deeply feeling it's true is all that matters. Soon...
- You addict clients so forcefully to your fantasy they fear they can't live without it! From all this...
- You urge mass lying (re: the Emperor's New Clothes) by saying "All worthy people will know it's true."
- You now multiply this gullibility with the following arsenal of business weapons --
- You exploit your very clients as free labor to run your business for you, even on Sundays.
- You command a massive volunteer sales force that must actually pay its own expenses.
- You endure almost no outside government interference and with limited regulation and...
- You have no inner accountability either, such as member or stockholder oversight! Better yet...
- You run a company that pays no taxes, but instead enjoys tax-subsidized dues. Then for comfort...
- You answer only to your inside buddies for your personal pay and perks! But not stopping there...
- You find abundant opportunities for nepotism and cronyism even outside the firm, because...
- You freely raise large venture capital funds for unrelated business schemes. And all this time...
- You enjoy total administrative, financial and clubhouse secrecy. Now, Jaded by your aloof stature...
- You callously use emotional, social and spiritual extortion as powerful revenue tactics. Coldly...
- You hold hostage a family's togetherness in the hereafter, plus their closeness here. And amazingly...
- You even intimidate your clients literally down to their underwear. Then for good measure...
- You claim the right to acquire all their worldly possessions too! Your disrespect is so deep that...
- You require them to make dour commitments, before even telling them what they're agreeing to! Yet...
- You still passionately kindle their hero worship with great theatrical skill, because, as Matthew put it...
- You wear charming sheep's clothing that makes False Prophets seem so totally respectable. Finally...
- You exercise massive social, political and economic clout. And the proverbial "fruits" abound --
- You and your cohorts rule vast empires wielding your colossal power and wealth!
This Great Mormon Money Machine is perfect, it's just Lies, Dollars and Sanctimony!
Two facts expose this money-making scheme: (1) The LDS church is one of the wealthiest religions in America while, (2) Mormon-dominated Utah is consistently first in personal bankruptcies. The Church gets rich--as members get poor. These two undisputed facts display the final outcome (fruits) of Mormonism and, according to Matthew, such fruits reveal False Prophets.
| From Rum & Monkey:
They're a funny old bunch, those latter day saints. Rather than picking names from their heritage, or the Bible, the Utah Mormons tend to make them up. Sometimes they'll combine the parents' names into one (BenDonna, for example). Other times it's impossible to quite understand what their parents were thinking; names like Zestpool and Zon'tl aren't uncommon.
We can understand why you might be jealous of names like these. After all, they are far more interesting and exciting than your own. Luckily, help is at hand with the Mormon Name Generator; simply indicate your first name, last name and your gender preference below, and we'll Mormonise your moniker.
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/mormon/
| We enter the baptismal room for little Johnny's baptism...
His father concludes the all important soul saving gibberish, "in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy ghost, amen"
As he proceeds to dunk young Johnny, Brother Crysateverthing sneezes "AAAAACheWWWWWW"! The two missionaries acting as witnesses suddenly turn their heads to see what the racket is all about only to miss little Johnny's toe protruding from the water as he is dunked.
The missionary witnesses eyes return to the task at hand and look at each other a little confused. Sheepishly they both nod their heads in affirmation of correct wording and procedure.
The rest of the day is spent in warm celebration of the eternal choice little Johnny made that day.
Years later after Johnny dies and is at the judgment seat of Joseph Smith, Father and Jesus he is horrified at the judgment.
"Johnny Mo, it has come to the attention of this Celestial Kingdom Induction hearing that there has been a grave error in priesthood ordinances. Even though you were a full tithe payer, area authority, member missionary and are very proficient at the signings and chantings of the temple two step, we must deny you entrance into the celestial kingdom."
As the full story unfolds, untold generations of deceased Mo family members thrashingly grieve as the reality of their eternal family becomes a thing of naught.
We fade from the spirit world with the disturbing image of Johnny trying to gnaw off his big toe (Hey, we do have bodies in the spirit world, spirit matter is still matter, nonetheless)
| From Ex-Mormon Recovery Board:
- you alt-tab this particular site when someone in your family walks into the room;
- you're afraid to be caught visiting this site because your spouse might catch you;
- you're afraid to share your thoughts with your loved-ones about things that trouble you concerning your religious beliefs;
- you're afraid to drink coffee & iced tea because you were always told it was bad for you;
- you're afraid if some mormon you know sees you ordering a Frappuccino at Barnes & Noble, a MooLatte from the local DQ, or a Nestea beverage from the local Exxon station, they will think you're not only a weak person, but a sinner to boot;
- your daughter is rebuked by one of her uber-nazi TBM friends on the way home from school one day for drinking a can of Dr. Pepper;
- your wife has worn two pairs of earrings ever since she was in high school, & then one day out of the blue she is "kindly rebuked" at church in a busy foyer by the Stake President for wearing more than one pair of earrings;
- your wife all of a sudden stops wearing the diamond-studded earrings you bought her for your 5th wedding anniversary because the SP told her it was unacceptable;
- you & your family (as well as a few other folks who were paying attention to the chorister's lead) during a ward conference stand up to sing a hymn that was previously announced to be a "stand-up & sing" song, only to be severely scolded immediately afterwards, from the pulpit, in front of your family & fellow ward members by the SP for not following HIS fucking lead: "brothers & sisters, you stand when I stand; you do stand when I do not stand";
- you worry about what others will think about you for using foul language on occasion;
- you get visibly angry at the SP for the completely out-of-hand, rude, insensitive, self-righteous, smug, arrogant & utterly asinine instructions that issue forth from his mouth;
- you are gravely counseled by the 1st Counselor in the SP in a temple recommend interview to "be careful" about focusing on & learning too much "secular knowledge" in your graduate studies at the University;
- you just can't believe some of the stupid things folks in leadership positions say to your face;
- you gradually learn that the things you were taught in church were sugar-coated;
- you gradually learn that the sugar-coated teachings you learned actually concealed some of the most vile & abherrant behaviors & schemes ever concocted by men;
- you learn that the supposed "revealed" doctrines you were taught in church were plagiarized, borrowed, or stolen from numerous other pagan & non-pagan sources;
- you feel like you are checking your brain at the door every time you show up at church;
- you're afraid to speak up in church and counter what one of the leaders says, despite the absurdness of what is being said;
- you are instructed in "sacred" temples to repeatedly "bow your head & say yes," & by so doing agree to the most preposterous things;
- you desperately want to talk to someone about what you learn in the temple, but you cannot because you are 1) either rushed out of the celestial room right at the beginning of a discussion on the very subject, or 2) you are outside of the temple & everytime you bring the subject up for discussion you are told "we don't talk about the sacred things in the temple outside of the temple";
- more & more you become exasperated with your religious belief system;
- you feel pretty damn righteous when you learn to make it through the temple veil on your own;
- you feel "super-dee-duper" righteous when you get to stand on the other side of the temple veil, giving & receiving super-secret handshakes to your friends & family, through that very same veil;
- you purchase "Duncan's Ritual" at Books-a-Million one day & learn for the first time that the super-secret temple handshakes, signs, & penalties you have promised never to disclose or discuss are identical to the ancient Scottish Rite Freemason's rituals, down to the cool little "pinky thing" even;
- you ask the SP in an annual temple recommend interview "what is the temple is all about?" & answering he quotes Brigham Young's summary description of the temple (which you have heard by now at least a hundred times), paraphrasing: "to receive all the super-secret tokens & signs & in turn hand them each over to angels who stand as sentinels as you make your way back to heaven," &, upon hearing this absolutely-brilliant-answer, you honestly can't determine whether 1) the SP has suddenly lost his mind, or 2) he never had one.
- you continue to wear the "regulation garment," even though you have been told you are unworthy to do so, because after 20 years of wearing nothing but garments against your skin you feel absolutely weird without them, & besides that, you honestly can't figure out what size of, or even how or where to purchase, the regular folk's underwear you really should be wearing;
- your friends refuse to watch an "R-rated" movie with you because their minds might become possessed by the devil;
- you're afraid to miss a regularly scheduled tithing payment because the bishop will find out, sooner than later;
- you're afraid if the bishop finds out you missed a regularly scheduled tithing payment you might be called in to explain yourself;
- you're afraid to tell the truth to the bishop when you have to explain yourself;
- you make clever, deceptive excuses to the bishop as you try to explain yourself;
- one day you tell the truth to the bishop in a tithing-settlement interview that yes, indeed, you are a partial tithe-payer, & he in turn quotes a dead prophet's incredibly insensitive statement to the effect that "paying less than a full-tithe is no better than paying no tithing at all," whereupon you ask the bishop in return: "well, in that case, Bishop: may I have a refund?";
- you have been flat-out told by that particular religious & supposedly charitable organization's duly authorized representative & financial steward, that the several-thousand-dollar donation you made that very year not only wasn't appreciated, but, to top it off, you are made to feel bad & incredibly guilty for not giving more & toeing the line;
- some mindless drone of a bishop takes your hard-earned money with a smirk, then s
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