The Largest Repository Of Ex-Mormon Material In The World
Containing 3,346 Articles Spanning 205 Topics
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THE MORMON CURTAIN
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2008 Exmormon Foundation Conference Oct. 17 - 19, 2008
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The time is flying! And time to remind everyone again about the Exmormon Foundation coming up October
17-19, 2008.
Please join us for our annual weekend of education, enlightenment, personal stories, and mingling with a group of interesting and brave people who are exploring life after Mormonism.
Embassy Suites Hotel, Salt Lake City, UT Click here for details: http://www.exmormonfoundation.org/200....
Amazing line up of activities and speakers for 2008, including Steven Hassan - mental health counselor and expert on cults!
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EX-MORMONISM SECTION 7
Total Articles:
50
A very large selection of posts made by those in recovery from Mormonism. Culled from throughout the Ex-Mormon Communities.
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No, I'm not guilty of adultery.
But I've been thinking of Hester Prynne lately, the protagonist in Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter", and how much I identify with her. I, too, wear a scarlet letter "A" on my chest, albeit invisible. My extended family knows it's there, and they treat me accordingly.
My scarlet letter "A" stands for apostate. I am blamed by my LDS extended family, perhaps rightfully, for the "spiritual downfall" of my own immediate family, including my mother, sisters, husband and children. For the past two years, I've worn my letter with a bit of shame, not defending myself, always taking the high road, returning politeness and courtesy for rudeness and condescension. But things are slowly changing.
Like Hester, if I have to bear the mark of a (perceived) sin on my chest, I may as well bear it proudly. I plan to display the most decorative letter "A" possible during the upcoming holidays which are always spent, at least in part, with my Mormon relatives.
Being rude just isn't part of my nature, but being direct usually isn't a problem when the issues are important enough to me. I began wearing my letter "A" with pride during the Exmormon Conference, shamelessly announcing that I was an apostate to the sister Missionaries in the Beehive House. I don't think that will be necessary with my extended family, but I will no longer bear their alternating chastisement, shunning, and then witnessing silently. Responding to their testimonies with a little truth isn't rude; on the contrary, it's the kindest thing I can do. And I plan on delivering a dose of kindness to any family member who, prompted by the Holy Ghost, shares their testimony, gives me a subscription to the Ensign for Christmas, or lovingly needlepoints the Salt Lake temple on a throw pillow for my couch.
Hester Prynne's scarlet letter became a source of strength for her as she stitched each dress she owned with an increasingly elaborate letter "A". Refusing to be ashamed, embarrassed or cowardly, I also bear my scarlet letter "A" with pride and with the hope that it may inspire someone else to have the courage to leave behind the oppressive cult of Mormonism.
| My Love Affair With Joseph Smith Jr., And How It Ended. How I Went From Love To Anger To Eventual Peace.
Article Archived: Thursday, Nov 2, 2006, at 07:49 AM
Stored Under Topic: EX-MORMONISM SECTION 7
Outside Link To Article: RIGHT CLICK - COPY LINK LOCATION
Original Author Of Article: SusieQ#1 | TOP | |
I have thought about the relationship members develop with the LDS Church. It is one of love, great devotion, complete and blind trust, total reliance and acceptance, placing our entire, happiness, joy in the claims of Joseph Smith Jr. the only true prophet of the only true church.
We are promised the moon,and all is well in Zion. Nothing could be better. For many it is their tribe: heritage, their family, their history, their culture, for others it is their adopted tribe.
Then something happens. We notice little things that don't seem to quite add up. But, we ignore them, or we think we are imagining things. We are assured our devotion is well placed. So, we continue on because we are sure there cannot be anything wrong with our bigger-than-life-lover, it must be us. The promises are just too grand for there to be anything wrong.
Then more things happen, little by little, and one day, we have an epiphany. Suddenly, all is not well in Zion, our happiness has been placed in a lover that has been deceptive from the get-go; cheating, lying, taking our money and time and to top it off, they are not who they claim to be. We are shocked, angry, hurled into the emotional throws of betrayal and are confused. What happened? Why didn't I see this coming?
Then the betrayal hits. We have been lied to. We were deceived by a handsome near perfect lover, or so we were told, worthy of our complete trust. However, we have been tricked into a "bait and switch" game all in the name of a pretty glorious promise.
Then our instincts take over. For me, I found it funny, and personally confirming, (ya, I was right all along I can trust myself after all) probably because my love had been waning for years and I was ready to find a reason to leave my lover. Or, better still, to kick his sorry arse out.
The crisis of truth had hit and I was ready to open the door and kick Joseph Smith Jr to the curb along with the funny undies and the Book of Mormon,silly fiction and all the rest of his "stuff." He was out. He was gone. He was a loser, a total jerk. And I wanted nothing more to do with him, the lying, braggadocios skirt chaser!
Reading this board, however, I have observed that most tend to find themselves in a sick, depressed state of mind, in a state of shock and initially, anyhow, barely unable to function. Many seek professional counseling.
For others, the medication they needed to function with a dysfunctional lover was no longer needed when the break up was settled!
I fell in love ever so slowly, I was so well taught, primed, and cajoled into believing everything Joseph Smith Jr and his groupies had to say that I could not imagine ever being not in love!
Then when his true colors came to light, and I realized on an almost subconscious level that I had been jilted, I think that is why, when I put a title to my "story" I called it:
"From Mormonism to Eccentric Eclectic, from Sain't to Aint, My Love Affair with Joseph Smith Jr and How it Ended."
There is much more that can be said about this analogy of our relationship with Mormonism. The above was an outline to give a general sense of how we are convinced we have found our eternal soul mate and how, when one of the partners in a marriage leaves, the other one, still in love with Joseph Smith Jr and his church will choose him as their lover over their own family.
| The Family / Social Shame Not Having A Temple Reccommend Brings Is The Fuel The Church Runs On
Article Archived: Monday, Nov 6, 2006, at 09:45 AM
Stored Under Topic: EX-MORMONISM SECTION 7
Outside Link To Article: RIGHT CLICK - COPY LINK LOCATION
Original Author Of Article: Barfing Segull | TOP | |
Over the last several years I've come to realize that Mormon doctrine is really just filler and has changed over the years. What really keeps the organization going to social engineering and the whole system is engineered around marriage, having offspring, extended family, and friends. Mormonism is about using the most powerful force on earth, social pressure, to run the people in the organization.
How is this done? Several ways but where all the roads lead is to the temple. The Mormon Church uses the temple recommend as the social status card. You cannot go to other Mormon temple weddings including family members without one. Your status in the church as an adult without one is severely diminished and the pressure to have one is constant.
This is especially true if the temple is easy to get to because the church pressures the members to go to the temple constantly. This increases the pressure to have that recommend. At the end of it all, you either give in and get the temple recommend or you leave the church.
If you give in and get the recommend the church gets a lot of your gross increase. It dictates what kind of underwear you can wear. You basically swear an oath that everything you have is the churches. Your basically under oath, agree to turn yourself over to the church and they own you. It's a sick form of control. What the church gets is a lot of your money and free slave labor out of you. Why? They scared and shamed you into doing so.
Most of what is in the temple ceremony is just filler. It's what you have to do to keep that temple recommend is where they own you. Why have so many temples been built? Simple. They are the engine rooms of the church. The more they have the easier it is to go to one and the more the church can pressure it's members into praying, paying, and obeying to not be shamed when their favorite niece is marrying some RM when she's 19.
Once you figure it out, it's a sick organization for sure.
| I am a bit of a computer guy so I wrote a program to take care of some of the hack work of being on the bishopric. I had an opening screen on the program that showed who's birthday was coming up so I could be a bit more "caring". I then went back through all the sacrament agendas and had a screen set up that told me how long it had been since people had last given prayers, talks, etc. It helped me work out who had been overlooked and who we had been inadvertently targeting.
Moving callings around is a bit of a game of chess (you move one person then there is a domino effect). I was going to write a module that helped plan all the possible scenarios, kind of like an EIS (executive information system). I joked that I was going to call the program REVELATION so that if asked I could say that callings and assignments came through REVELATION.
Having been involved in many callings, releases and assignments I knew that there wasn't much that looked like revelation involved in the process when it came down to it, at least not like the average member thinks revelation happens. As an insight into how I, and probably most church leaders, thought about the inspiration process I basically assumed that if I thought something then it must be right since I was called to the position and I didn't get anything approximating revelation in any other way. I figured inspiration must have been God influencing my thoughts and my thinking process. The other trick is to do what you think is right and ask God to let you know if it isn't right.
When God's fickle finger of feat plucks you out of the congregation then you want to believe God is guiding you. Clearly leaders are not inspired and they all work out some way to reconcile the demand to deliver inspired decisions against the lack of any clearly definable way to receive it.
Stupid cult!
| I am not going to discount the need to discuss why we left Mormonism, or even the urge to try coffee or booze after we leave. Some of us find that we have a favorite beer or coffee drink. Some of us find that we want a tattoo or a body piercing. That's all great stuff and it can be rather cathartic after living under the thumb of Mormonism all our lives. We might experience for the first time, in our 30s, 40s, or 50s, the relief that most college students get when they move out on their own for the first time. "Wow, I can watch MTV any time I want. I can swear. I can have girls over. I can even have beer in the fridge. My parents are off my back." Not a complete analogy, but you get the picture.
However, I'm starting to think that I'll be closer to recovery when I'm able to be my authentic self rather than do things as a reaction to Mormonism. I tried almost all the things that most exmos try. I tried drinking. I broke the law in an unspecific way. I got an earring. And I even had my girlfriend come over without permission. I smoked for a few years.
Now I've realized that I am really a boring, middle-class white guy. I don't like to drink or smoke. I grew up with a dad who did both, and I didn't like it. I like coffee. I like hard rock. I'm crazy about my wife. I love my career. All these are things that I found out about myself when I started living by the concept "to thine own self be true."
I have taken up a life which demands rigorous honesty. It just so happened that it started with emotional honesty. Getting my head on straight was a major step. It still needs adjustments now and then, but for the most part I know who I am and I like who I am.
I learned to see the traps of Mormonism, the emotional hooks, and the emphasis of testimony and feelings over knowledge and learning.
Intellectual honesty went along well with emotional honesty. I am no longer willing to accept something just because somebody believes in it, is willing to die for it, or bursts into tears when talking about it. I don't expect them to value what I value, and I expect them to understand that I will not always value what they value.
For me, morals and values are more about how I treat the people in my life and the people I come into contact with as I move through this world and learn about life. Morals and values are not about my sexual orientation or how much money I give to a church. It's about treating people the way I want to be treated.
I have not recovered from Mormonism 100%. And I still have to deal with family members who want to push their beliefs on me. But today I'm doing a bit better than yesterday. And I plan to go on living my life based on what I value, rather than what somebody has told me to value. And I plan to live my life based on who I am, rather than who I am not.
| - Fear of nagging doubts that the LDS Church and Mormonism are not true.
- Fear that God (as defined by Mormonism) will be displeased or angry if one doesn't follow the ‘commandments of God’ (as defined by Mormonism).
- Fear that God will withhold blessings from a member or punish him/her if he/she doesn't comply with church teachings.
- Fear of making a mistake or thinking or doing something that will make one ‘unworthy’ (according to Mormonism).
- Fear of dying without having fully repented of all of one's ‘sins’.
- Fear of not being ‘worthy’ enough to receive ‘Exaltation’ and being ‘eternally damned’.
- Fear that one will suffer forever as Jesus suffered, or worse, if he/she isn't ‘spiritually pure’.
- Fear that a member won’t be found ‘worthy’ enough at the ‘Final Judgement’ to live with their ‘righteous’ LDS family members in the ‘Celestial Kingdom’ after death.
- Fear of ‘Satan’ and his ‘army’ of ‘evil spirits’ who, according to Mormonism, are always trying to tempt mortals (particularly Mormons) and bring about their ‘eternal damnation’ and 'everlasting misery'.
- Fear that a member's testimony isn’t strong enough, especially in the ‘Last Days’.
- Fear that God will test a member's faith with 'trials and tribulations' that he/she won’t be able to bear.
- Fear that a member is not sacrificing/doing enough to build up the church.
- Fear that a member isn't sharing the ‘Gospel’ enough with non-Mormons, and that God will hold him/her eternally responsible for the welfare of the non-members' souls.
- Fear of doing something that is contrary to church teachings (e.g., having a cup of coffee, staying home from church after a busy week) and losing the influence of the ‘Holy Ghost’ as a result.
- Fear of increasing wickedness, wars, plagues, pestilences, etc. in the ‘Last Days’.
- Fear of ‘wicked’ influences on one's children and fearing that they might ‘stray’ from the church.
- Fear that there won’t be enough money to pay one's basic expenses despite paying tithing to the LDS Church.
- Fear of being burned at the ‘Second Coming of Jesus Christ’ if one doesn't pay his/her tithing.
- Fear of not finding a ‘worthy’ man/woman to marry in the temple.
- Fear of what church leaders will think of a member and God will do to him/her if he/she declines a church calling.
- Fear of the spiritual consequences of not going on a mission, and what Mormons will think and say about a young male Mormon if he doesn't go.
- Fear of losing the approval of God, one's LDS parents and other family members, church leaders, and other Mormons if a member doesn't do the things expected of Latter-Day Saints.
- Fear of church disciplinary action if a member voices his/her discomfort with aspects of Mormonism that he/she feels are unenlightened.
- Fear of scientific, historical, and other facts that do not support church doctrines, teachings, and foundational claims (e.g., the Book of Mormon as a ‘true’ historical record of peoples who inhabited the ancient Americas).
- Fear of acting with integrity to one's own truth, exploring life, and discovering one's true/authentic self.
- Fear of asserting one's right to think for oneself and choose one's values and morals.
- Fear of conflict, particularly with LDS authority figures (e.g., Mormon parents, church leaders, God – as defined by Mormonism).
- Fear of questioning church doctrines and teachings.
- Fear of coming to one's own conclusions about mortality, the purpose of life, God, what happens after death (if anything), etc.
- Fear of other people's 'spiritual' experiences that do not conform to the LDS perspective of what comes from God.
- Fear of not wearing temple garments as one has promised and ‘Satan’ or his ‘evil angels’ being able to harm a member.
- Fear of ‘anti-Mormon’ books, websites, etc.
| During my formative and young adult years in the church, the image of the world that was presented to us young Mormons (and reinforced in meeting after meeting) was one that created a lot of fear and many reasons to not be hopeful. We were told that we were a 'Royal Generation', the 'chosen few' who lived in an increasingly 'wicked' world in which 'Satan' and his 'army of evil spirits' were gaining more and more power.
The church indoctrinated us to believe that 'good men of the Earth' were being 'led astray by the Evil One', and God was 'pouring out his wrath upon the nations' in the form of 'wars and rumors of wars', pestilences and disease, natural disasters, and other calamitous events. And we were repeatedly told that as Latter-day Saints, the only 'spiritual safety' was in being obedient to church teachings and sacrificing (for the 'Kingdom of God') whatever was required of us.
We were led to believe that the 'Second Coming of Jesus Christ' would happen in our lifetime, but not before the horrors of the 'Last Days' had unfolded across the globe, including the Biblical Armageddon. Apostle Bruce R. McConkie went so far as to 'prophesy' that there would be a war involving nuclear weapons, which only reinforced the Mormon belief, as per D&C 64:23, that members who didn't pay their tithing would be destroyed by fire.
As a young person being raised in Mormonism in the 1970's and '80's, the LDS Church didn't give me much reason to be hopeful about the future. Myself and other LDS young people were taught that some church members would be 'spared' and live on to witness the 'triumphant return of Jesus Christ'. Until then, however, things on Earth were only going to get worse.
My mother, a highly emotional and generally irrational person, often expressed her intense anxiety to my sisters and I that in the 'Last Days', she would be tortured by 'wicked men' who would want to force her to deny her testimony of the 'truthfulness' of Mormonism. She expressed her great fear to us that she might not be able to endure the horror that some part of her mind had decided was going to happen.
The LDS Church had created fantasy-based, apocalyptic situations and indoctrinated Mormons, including myself, to believe that they would happen. It wasn't a matter of if, but when. Not surprisingly, when I thought of the future of humanity and the planet, I felt considerable despair.
One of the things that I noticed during my formative and young adult years about non-Mormons was that they were far more hopeful, generally speaking, about the future than Latter-day Saints. Watching and interacting with non-members was like a breath of fresh air that temporarily cleared away some of the toxic dust of Mormon psychological conditioning that kept clogging my psyche and 'soul'.
Non-Mormons didn't view people as inherently 'sinful' and 'unworthy' because of their humanity (the dreaded 'natural man', the 'enemy of God'!). Unlike Mormons, they didn't interpret forest fires in Canada, tornadoes in the U.S., earthquakes in Mexico, or natural disasters elsewhere as 'signs' that God was punishing mortals for their 'wickedness'. Their thinking about observed and experienced realities, 'good' and 'bad', was refreshingly rational.
One of the most significant aspects of healing from Mormonism for me - and I imagine for many of you - has been the replacement of despair (caused by Mormonism) with hope. Hope is so vital to our individual and collective well-being. Last night, I watched a PBS documentary on DVD about Winston Churchill, the remarkable British Prime Minister during World War II. Churchill's ability to instill hope in Britons despite the death and destruction that was visited upon them by the military of Nazi Germany was one of the reasons why he was a great man. I've read and listened to many of Churchill's speeches, and contrast the rousing and edifying power of his words with the boring and fear-inducing words of many 'spiritual giants' in the LDS Church.
Churchill didn't promise the British people that God would save them or that angels would be dispatched from heaven to protect them. He didn't tell them that if they stopped drinking, smoking, engaging in pre-marital sex, and having affairs, and started giving 10% of their income to the Conservative Party, 'God Almighty' would bless them. He also didn't terrorize them psychologically with fantasy-based stories of what 'the enemy' would do to them if they weren't 'good' British citizens. What Churchill told the people of Great Britain was based on reality and resonated with the human 'spirit'. He gave them reason to hope that their nation would someday be victorious over a terrible and powerful foe. His words provided them with solace and stirred their courage.
On a personal note, I would not exist had it not been for Winston Churchill. My father was born in Scotland in 1931 and emigrated to Canada in '58. Had Churchill not been the 'lone prophet crying in the wilderness' in the British Parliament during the 1930's, warning Britons and the government of the day about the growing military threat of Nazi Germany, and had he not become British Prime Minister in 1940, it's highly likely that sooner or later, Great Britain would have fallen to Hitler's unquenchable lust to conquer and control. Under Nazi occupation, my father would have, no doubt, not been allowed to leave the British Isles, and I would not be writing these words. It's remarkable to me that a man who was born four generations before I was and half a world away, to whom I have no connection other than being a member of the Commonwealth, could have had such a profound impact on my life.
In Mormonism, the only reasons to hope are not ones rooted in people’s humanity (Churchill, for example, was a very 'human' person). Latter-day Saints ‘hope’ for the better future and ‘healed world’ that Jesus will make happen after he comes back in ‘power and glory’ (according to church teachings). In the meantime, they are told that they can be hopeful because the church is ‘true’ and is led by ‘true prophets of God’. Even if Latter-day Saints die before the ‘Second Coming’, they can be hopeful of a ‘glorious resurrection’ and ‘eternal life’, according to LDS doctrine.
However, in Mormonism, the human experience is not much fun – there are a lot of ‘temptations’ to overcome, ‘trials and tribulations’ to endure, ‘tests of faith’ to pass, and suffering 'for their good'. After all, as mortals, Latter-day Saints are being put through the ‘refiner’s fire’ to see if they’re ‘worthy’ of living forever in the ‘Celestial Kingdom’ (and avoiding ‘eternal damnation’). In short, Mormons' hope (if any) is based on 'externals'.
To lurking Latter-day Saints: Kindly know that much of what you’ve been taught by the LDS Church is crap. Many aspects of Mormonism are dysfunctional and wounding. As a 'spiritual tradition', it causes a lot of people to experience fear and guilt, which undermines the quality of their lives. Mormonism 'programs' Latter-day Saints to place their hope on 'spiritual' ideas that have nothing to do with reality/truth.
If you're a Latter-day Saint and you've struggled with feelings of despair, leaving the LDS Church will do a lot to heal it. Getting out of Mormonism replaces hopelessness or misplaced religion-induced, pseudo-hope with genuine hope.
There is no 'Heavenly Father' putting you under the ‘Celestial Microscope’ day after day to see if you’re ‘worthy’ of certain ‘blessings’. There is no 'Satan' or an 'army of evil spirits' who seek your 'spiritual destruction'. There is no 'Jesus Christ' coming back to save humanity from the consequences of our actions. Such 'beings' are only psychological constructs, the products of people's thinking. Only we can be our saviors.
You can be hopeful about your future and the future of humanity. Many people around the globe desire a better world and are working hard to make that vision a reality. My recommendation to you would be to leave the small, closed village of the LDS Church and venture forth into a vast continent of experience in the wonderful world outside of Mormonism. You will feel more hope than you have felt in a long time, and perhaps ever.
| When I was a TBM, I was the most gullible person around. I thought nobody ever lied. I was afraid to disagree with anybody, and if anybody ever disagreed with me, I froze. I was such a people pleaser, I thought I had to answer every question I was asked, even if it meant that I didn't get to put in my two cents. I was afraid to make eye contact, and people always asked me to speak up.
To sum up, I was afraid of confrontation for 2 reasons, 1) it chases the spirit away; and 2) learned helplessness.
OK, so here's what's different. My law school is sending 2 teams to the regional negotiation competition. I'm on one of the teams. Without going into too much detail, we're leaving for the weekend in a few hours. Our coaches are 1) general counsel for a major corporation; and 2) the top ADR professor (IMO) in the Midwest.
So big deal, right? Sounds like a bunch of arrogant people having a shouting match. Not really. It's more about gathering information and generating solutions, while keeping your cool under pressure. Being confrontational is only a minor part. It's knowing when to press that button that wins points.
So my point is, I never would have been able to do anything like this as a Mormon. I was too afraid of people, and of losing the spirit. Since I left Mormonism, I've come out of my shell in many ways. I have found that I'm not a bad person when I have to call somebody out.
I'm actually being kinder to myself and the other person by not being a doormat. Being a doormat, by the way, was my passive-aggressive way of saying, "Sure, I'll agree to that, but only because I'm afraid of what might happen if I say no. When it becomes a hassle, I'm going to change my mind and you won't find out about it until it's way too late."
Not everybody grew up in a home like mine. In my home, every idea you had was minimized. There was no emphasis on rationale. The biggest person in the room got the remote control and the last dessert.
If you had great parents and you are naturally assertive, good for you. Only those of us, who had to consciously learn that skill set and overcome decades of bad information and fear, can really appreciate what it means to be assertive without being argumentative. We can appreciate how it feels for the first time to not be afraid of what others might say. When I realized that I am no longer afraid of other people, and I'm not afraid to advocate for my own needs, I had to chuckle. I finally feel like a human being.
| When I look back on it all, I realize they did not want me--or anyone else--to be able to grow up. The older I became, the more controlling and intrusive the church became. When you were a kid, they treated you as a kid. But when you grew up, they never stopped treating you like a kid.
I had thought the mission would be the "coming of age" test, the step between adolescence and adulthood. Little did I realized that most kids had far more freedom than missionaries. I was rather shocked to learn what Mormonism really meant. I expected rules--not cult orientation and control.
I was told when to sleep, when to wake up, what to eat, what to read, when to walk, when to talk, when to bore others with my testimony, when to sit, when to stand, and when I could go home. This was a totalitarian system, carefully designed to ingrain mindless and complete obedience. Good Mormons follow this "discipline" for the rest of their lives. They learn to do what they are told.
When you go to the temple--another coming of age event--you get the same damned thing. You learn that the church will now control every aspect of your life. And you swear to it. You promise, to obey, follow, and not complain. You are given special underwear, and a lifetime pattern to stick to. You lose your individuality, and your freedom. You are made into a permanent child.
For normal people, adulthood means things a Mormon will never understand. Adults can drink alcohol, choose how to spend their money, and how to make their way through life. They get to attend the church of their choice--or attend no church at all. No-one bothers them. They have enough burdens as is. Adulthood is a struggle. In Mormonism, adulthood is slavery.
The brethren ensure adulthood is not something for the faithful. Mormons become aging children, unable to function comfortably in the rest of the world, unable to choose what they want, and unable to define their own happiness. We know Joseph Smith liked adolescents a great deal. His attitude has carried over into everyday Mormon life. Mormons are owned and controlled, browbeaten and bullied. And if they don't like it, they have to suck their thumbs and shut up. When the brethren have spoken, the thinking has been done. When you are a Mormon, you are a child, and you do what you are told.
| As I have observed my behavior and the behavior of others while actively participating in Mormonism, as well as in my post Mormon experiences, I have often wondered why we allowed ourselves to be treated so poorly by a belief system, which supposedly originated from God.
As a Mormon, I suffered intense depression and self-loathing. This emotional state began around age eight or nine and then continued off and on up to about nine months ago. I always thought the problems I was experiencing were my fault. I never felt worthy enough even when I was doing all that I thought I could to be classified as someone seeking and worthy of the spirit. I prayed, I tithed, I served, I studied, I did what I was supposed to, yet I still never felt good enough and worthy of the love of the capricious, perfectionist Mormon god. Mormonism could not be the blame for my suffering; according to them, I was always to blame.
Following my mission and suffering a great deal including a nervous breakdown (which I have never told anyone about until revealing my experience to my wife last week), I discovered that my family has a history of depression, so I began taking anti-depressants in a hope that they would work. The various treatments did not help. I tried several drugs, all with the same results. I never once thought that my belief system would be the cause for all this inner pain and suffering, which again according to Mormonism, was simply my fault for not doing and being enough.
About nine months ago when I put all of the Mormon puzzle pieces together and discovered the reality of Mormonism, there was a very physical sensation which followed my discovery. The weight of Mormonism, which was holding me down, fell from my shoulders and my mind. It was as if a vise, which had been squeezing my head, had fallen from my head to the floor. It was so exhilarating to realize that I was not insane, that there really was more to the picture, that I was not to blame for failing in trying to please the Mormon god of perfection and exactness. For the first time in a very long time, I felt real tangible inner peace.
As a former captive of Mormonism, I have often wondered if the depression, doubt, self and leadership inflicted mental abuse did not cause us to experience some form of Stockholm Syndrome. What causes Stockholm Syndrome? Captives begin to identify with their captors initially as a defensive mechanism, out of fear of violence or reprisal. Small acts of kindness by the captor are magnified, since finding perspective in a hostage situation is by definition impossible. Rescue attempts are also seen as a threat, since it's likely the captive would be injured during such attempts.
It's important to note that these symptoms occur under tremendous emotional and often physical duress. The behavior is considered a common survival strategy for victims of interpersonal abuse, and has been observed in battered spouses, abused children, prisoners of war, and concentration camp survivors. To my knowledge, such a study on the adherents of Mormonism has not yet been conducted.
Now I am not making the connection that we were rounded up or kidnapped physically into Mormonism, but the effects of the belief system seem to have very similar effects on the minds of the adherents of this religion. Over the years as I came into contact with things which refuted Mormonism, I would reject the attempt of mind rescue, opting to defend my spiritual captors and their methods for holding me bound. I allowed myself to suffer mentally at their hands, and then turned and thanked them for the abuse. It was a very real struggle for survival. Mormonism could not be wrong, my belief system had always taught me that I was nothing without it.
Now I am free. I no longer have to sympathize with and defend my captors. I no longer suffer the mental pain and heart-rending depression I experienced as a Mormon. I still have moments of sadness for those I love who still worship and defend their captors, but I am free and happy in a way I never knew before.
So what think ye? Do Mormons suffer from a form of Stockholm Syndrome?
| I am one of those people (maybe the minority here?) who did not "study their way out." Oh, I knew certain things were undoubtedly being purposely sugar-coated as far as the history is concerned and that there were deceptive practices condoned by and carried out by the LDS Church (temple bait-and-switch tactics for example). But I basically figured the reason something didn't "feel right" all the time with the church was something that was wrong with me.
The "you suck and you always will" theme that is a constant in mormonism really wore on me over the years. Eventually, I had learned to hate myself so much and was so consumed with frustration about not ever being good enough no matter what I did that I sank into sort of a depression, I guess. I remember going out alone and praying my heart out, telling God his demands were impossible and that I was admitting I would never be what he wanted me to be. I begged him not to hate me just because I had been somehow born "defective."
I had never had the big answer that everyone had talked about where you "know something with every fiber of your being." But that day it all changed. Only I didn't get the answer I was expecting. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with an incredible sense of well-being. I knew for sure that God hating me was never something I would have to worry about again, and that environments where I would hear such things were certainly not sanctioned by Him, despite claims to the contrary. I was sure we weren't meant to be boring, perfect little clones, but were all worthwhile and lovable without trying to put on a mask and hide our true selves from God. I almost felt drunk on my first taste of self-esteem as it washed over me and drastically changed the direction my life would take.
I felt like a caged animal who had just been set free. I felt a joy that was rivaled only by the joy I felt when my newborn babies snuggled into my arms for the first time after problems with infertility and miscarriage and then finally miraculous, healthy, long-awaited new life being born. My whole outlook changed almost immediately. Old grudges I had been coddling somehow could be let go now. I had an undercurrent of inner peace running through me that I had never known before. My husband came home hours after the light bulb had gone on in my head, and as soon as he walked in the door he said, "Wow, you look different. I can't put my finger on it, but something's different?" I didn't even have to tell him there had been a transformation....he could see it in my eyes immediately without me saying a word. As it happened, the weekend following that beautiful day when I finally got my "testimony that it *wasn't* true", we had scheduled a little getaway. Nothing fancy, but we did take pictures. Going back through the pictures from that little trip, I see what he was talking about. I'm not grinning from ear to ear or punching my fist into the air in exultation or anything, but my face has a change to it that I can't quite put my finger on, but it's definitely there. I look truly happy without posing and saying "cheese" or anything like that.
I'll always remember the joy and the hope and the incredible feeling of being released from a mental/emotional straightjacket that describe that moment. I'll never forget that day, that huge turning point of my life that came rushing in and consumed me all in one beautiful moment.
| I'll start with a quote from the latest PH and RS lesson manual, Lesson 7:-
"Testimony meetings are some of the best meetings in the [Church] in the whole month, if you have the spirit. If you are bored at a testimony meeting, there is something the matter with you, and not the other people. You can get up and bear your testimony and you think it is the best meeting in the month; but if you sit there and count the grammatical errors and laugh at the man who can’t speak very well, you’ll be bored. … Don’t forget it! You have to fight for a testimony. You have to keep fighting!"
Some points on this topic including some that got me thinking in my dying days as a TBM.
Why do I have to fight for a testimony? Isn't truth enduring? If I am a critical thinker and of at least average intelligence, shouldn't my "knowledge" be a composite of the accumulated experiences of my life? Do I need to "fight" to know that 1 + 1 =2? Do I need to "fight" to know that the sun will come up tomorrow? No, of course not. What I would need to fight for is to maintain a belief that the moon is made of cheese or that people live on the sun.
Testimony meeting's main purpose is to brainwash people through repetition. Even the GAs need it. This quote from the lesson manual... "Every month the First Presidency and the Twelve meet with all the General Authorities in the temple. They bear testimony and they tell each other how they love one another just like all of you. Why do the General Authorities need a testimony meeting? The same reason that you need a testimony meeting". I can only agree, brainwashing at every level is needed to compensate for the total lack of experiential or empirical evidence in most people's lives, even GAs!
I am also always deeply disturbed by the tactic to put the blame for a person's lack of seeing evidence of the church's "truthfulness" back onto the individual. Truth may need explaining to be understood however inflicting injury on a person's self worth, if they don't see your point of view, is nothing more than a cheap stand over tactic dressed up as teaching. It shows a lack of respect for individual value and, when seen for what it is, takes away from the truth being demonstrated rather than adding to it. Testimony meetings can be boring for many reasons, even to spirit feeling, righteous (maybe not righteous enough :-)) TBMs. To suggest that not feeling the spirit at testimony meeting is the fault of the poor attendee is abhorrent in my view.
These questions and concerns created noise in the background of my TBM mind which I couldn't comprehend while in it but look crystal clear the longer I am out. If I was still TBM I would have been teaching this lesson, and probably doing a good job of it. I am so glad to be free of it now and to no longer be part of perpetuating the myth of mormonism.
| According to the passage concerning sexual assault in the Miracle of Forgiveness (someone else can provide the page number because my copy of this hateful book went out to the trash with my BMs), it is better to die than to loose your chastity. Of course, this only applies to some mormons not all because if it did Elizabeth Smart would be a pariah.
My church leaders knew about my own personal experience with this subject. That means that their wives also knew. Which in turn means everyone in the ward knew. I give myself ample amounts of credit for sticking it out another decade after this experience simply because I was viewed as damaged. I don't know how my younger, less stronger, self handled the looks and the whisperings. There was no place for me in the ward society. Mormons are more effective than the rapists of Darfur. They do not need to bite or cut through tendons to mark their untouchables. They are more effective with the quiet gossip. I guess that's more civilized?
What I would like to know are your views on this question: Psychologically speaking, did knowing that I was damaged and now not worthy, encourage bad moral behavior. I did not act out in any other way but I had lost my virtue, meaning I had lost ALL, so why bother. It was almost an attitude of why bother protecting something that was gone. Heck, what's the crude phrasing? Something about shutting the barn door after the cows have already escaped?
I suppose I am trying to reconcile my behavior, to finally forgive myself. It took me 14 years to forgive myself for being raped. I will never forgive my rapist. I simply don't have to and will not suffer for it. After hearing my bishop tell me that I was responsible for being raped, that my 'prettiness', my wearing make-up, my being 'nice' and being construed as 'over-friendly' encouraged, if not, demanded that I be raped, I viewed myself as a whore of a woman and acted as such following the act. Many men have hard time understanding why sexual abuse victims end up being promiscuous. They will never understand that the victims now know that their worth lies in giving away their bodies. They have no worth outside of being receptacles for men.
I can't even imagine what my feelings would be if I had been born in the generation where women owned their own bodies, the Sex In The City generation where women weren't ruined, might as well be dead, if they had sex. I may be angry at all of the injustices that I suffered through the mormon church but taking my sexuality, taking my self-worth, making me an emotional eunuch, those are sins that even a real god wouldn't forgive.
| Something which I have observed since leaving the Morg is how the TBM mind automatically views apostates in a state of spiritual amnesia.
My wife’s sister and her husband came by tonight to confirm their belief in the Lard’s true cult, just so we would not forget. He then provided us with a letter, directed more at me in which he basically gave me the first missionary discussion filled with testimony.
It is astounding how these people think, or should I say don’t think. I was a life long member. I was on the seminary council in my high school, president of all of my YM quorums, missionary, YM president, gospel doctrine teacher twice, and YM adviser to both teachers and priest quorums. However, some how I forgot everything I ever learned in Mormonism the moment I told them it was a fraud.
I have concluded that this mindset is purely defensive for them, and highly offensive for me. They can’t refute so they testify and assume I am nothing more than an ignoramus. I obviously received the wrong answers, therefore I have gone from respected and knowledgeable in matters of Morg doctrine, to drooling doctrinal idiot with a simple declaration of belief.
Here is to all of you apostates suffering the pains of doctrinal amnesia. May you continue to discover the joys of an exmormon existence along with all of your own self-hidden Easter eggs.
| I've been accused by my former Bishop and a couple of LDS apologists of being a "black and white" thinker. Some of my extended Mormon family feels the same way. In fact, they felt that way about me when I was a Mormon.
Much of my extended family are inactive LDS, or less than active. As a gung-ho fully believing Mormon, I viewed them with near derision for being too weak to live the Gospel. They had a "take the good, and leave bad" attitude about the church that they still maintain to this day. Although I no longer view them with near derision, I still am unable to comprehend their allegiance to the Mormon church, and their delusion that they can pick and choose what to believe when it comes to doctrine.
According to Mormonism, their prophet is as infallible as Vatican II claims the Pope to be - that means, when declaring doctrine, managing the affairs of the church, and knowing the way of salvation, HE CANNOT MAKE A MISTAKE! God will not allow it! Therefore, a Mormon can do nothing but accept declared doctrine and the way the Prophet runs the church unquestioningly and obey accordingly.
Either Gordon B. Hinckley and every previous prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are one hundred per cent correct concerning church affairs and doctrine, or they are false prophets. There is no other option. And unless the current prophet declares a past prophet's doctrine incorrect, or gets "new" revelation because God changed his mind yet again, then all he said STILL STANDS and that cannot be ignored.
So, deciding to accept the Word of Wisdom because it's "good" and disregard polygamy because it's "bad" isn't doctrinally an option. Anyone who thinks they can do that is utterly deluded. Remaining a member while believing women should hold the Priesthood makes no sense whatsoever. Either God, the creator of the universe, runs his one and only true religion on the face of the planet PERFECTLY through the prophets of the Mormon church, or he doesn't. And if you don't believe God does that, then you shouldn't be a Mormon.
When I was a member, not accepting church doctrine or the council of the Prophet was unfathomable. If I didn't understand something I "put it on the shelf" because to decide I didn't believe it meant the end of my faith. Yes, I may have been a black and white thinker, and may still be in many ways, but I've searched this over and over in my mind, and I cannot comprehend any other option - believe all of Mormonism or believe none of it. As far as I can tell, there is no getting around the fact that belonging to the "One True Church" is an all or nothing proposition.
If anyone wants to keep the good and leave the bad, that's possible in one way - retain the goodness, charity, purposefulness, or other praiseworthy attributes you believe you found in Mormonism and leave the church behind. It's bad. No good it does isn't done better by hundreds of other organizations across the world. Join one of them, keep the good that's in you and drop the cult like the dead weight it is. It's not always easy, but it is worth it.
| As a TBM, I got really comfortable exploiting loopholes.
It seems that every time I was faced with some knowledge that challenged my faith, there was always some logical acrobatics or loophole that allowed me to assimilate the new knowledge without destroying my faith.
For instance, with DNA evidence linking Native Americans to Asians, rather than Israelites, we can resort to the limited geography model, we can claim that Israelites in the New World intermarried with the settlers that came from Asia, we can cite X or Y example that shows how all middle eastern DNA would have disappeared from modern Native Americans, etc. If all these variables fall into place, then it's conceivable that the Book of Mormon history might still be possible (although even this would require an adjustment to traditional Mormon interpretations of the Book of Mormon).
Likewise, with 'horses' and 'steel' in the Book of Mormon, we can just say, "Well, even though it says 'horses' and 'steel,' they could have really been referring to this or that."
With the Book of Abraham, there's the explanation that the portion of the papyri that Joseph Smith was really translating from has been lost, or maybe he needed the papyri in front of him to encourage him or give him confidence and faith enough to receive revelation, even if Abraham's words weren't technically written on the scrolls.
With the link between Freemasonry and the temple endowment, there's always some explanation that insists that the endowment really could be of ancient origin, even if Joseph Smith got it through the Masons.
With Brigham Young's Adam-God doctrine, we can insist that Brigham Young was just misquoted (apparently not just his scribes mis-transcribed things, but so did other apostles and several regular members, on multiple occasions--it must have been the work of Satan). Or we can explain that what BY really meant to say.
After a while, you get tired of making excuses for the Church. It seems like there's always some alternative explanation to explain what really happened, or what someone really meant to say. But it gets ridiculous after a while. Maintaining a traditional testimony requires you to make some really questionable assertions. If God gave us the ability to reason, why would He want us to totally turn off this ability in matters of spirituality?
Oh, that's right--to test our faith!
| While cleaning up/organizing my files, I came across text from the Oct. Ex-Mormon Conference presentation slides on how Mormonism wounds self-esteem and what people can do to heal (the audio link is at http://exmormonfoundation.org/files/m...)
In case it might be of use to some people visiting this board, here's the text from the slides:
Fundamentally, each person is a ‘unit’ of awareness that exists in a physical interface system (their body).
We are aware of:
Physical sensations
Thoughts
Emotions
Needs
Wants
Impulses
Intuition
Instincts
Dreams
Behavior
Etc.
To become more aware is to expand the fundamental characteristic of our self.
To increase in awareness, even if doing so involves the collapse of a cherished belief system, is ultimately a choice. We can choose to become more aware, or not. Either way, there are consequences.
All healing and personal growth is rooted in increased awareness.
No one can diminish their awareness by mentally fleeing from facts/truths/realities that conflict with their beliefs and not pay the price psychologically.
No one can betray their rational mind by reinforcing their irrational/nonsensical thinking and not pay the price psychologically.
People with healthy/high self-esteem respect the truth more than need to reinforce their beliefs.
Mormonism psychologically conditions people to mentally flee from, trivialize, or condemn facts/truths/realities that do not support the LDS Church’s foundational claims, doctrines, and teachings.
Mormonism psychologically conditions people to betray their rational mind in order to maintain their irrational/nonsensical religious beliefs (i.e., their ‘faith’).
The cognitive dissonance that many Latter-day Saints experience is the uncomfortable tension that comes from holding two conflicting thoughts (e.g., The Book of Mormon is a ‘true’ record of peoples in the ancient Americas, but DNA and archeological evidence does not support it as an actual history).
To what extent does the quality of our self-esteem affect the quality of our lives? Completely/profoundly.
What aspects of our lives are affected by our self-esteem?
1. Family-of-origin, marriage, and other relationships
2. Schooling and job/career
3. Financial situation
4. Civic lives/involvement as citizens
5. Social life/recreation
6. Our self-judgments and other thoughts/mental ‘tapes’
7. Our beliefs about what we can | |